5

 I hate him! Hate him because he treated my mum like she was nothing, like she was just some kind of a trash! I found this old diary of my mums when she was pregnant with me. I know that reading it was wrong but I couldn't help it, I had to somehow find out what she was like when she was younger and why did things turn out like that. I had to know the truth who to actually blame for not having a father! I was right, it was all his fault!
 Reading her diary felt wrong but right at the same time. I didn't find out a lot but at least I knew the truth. And the truth was that my dad didn't care about my mum at all. They got married a month before my mum give a birth to me. The only reason why they got married was because of me. I sometimes think that it's all my fault, that if I wasn't there at this time they would of waited with the marriage and things would be differant! I do blame myself sometimes. I blame myself because she was so unhappy and she was doing it because that's what everyone expected her to do. Thats what my nan wanted.
 Everynight my father was either late home or didn't bother coming home at all. They were married but they didn't act like it at all. He didn't have to love her;she said. All she ever wanted was for him to respect her, but yet she never got that from him. Was that a lot to ask?
 Would things actually be different if she never got pregnant with me? I don't know what to think anymore.  There's so many things going in my head right now. If she didn't want me she would probably give me away. She had another baby too, not long after I was born she got pregnant with my sister Paulina.
 I only know what was like between them in year 1997, that was when the diary was written, but what happened after? Maybe they were alright? What if he was ignoring her all the time? There's still so many questions that I don't know the answer too.