I can't really remeber falling asleep, but I can surly remeber waking up in the morning. I don't know time it was when I woke up but it must of been early. I heard the door knocking but I was still half asleep, It must of been the door knocking that actually woke me up. I knew who it was. I knew it for 100%. He was the last person I wanted to see, so I just ignored it. I didn't wake Carl up, he looked so cute. I was just looking at him for a litle while but then my eyes started to close up and I went back sleep.
I didn't know how long I went sleep for, but it probably wasn't for long. I heard something. Someone was throwing something at the window. It woke Carl up, he looked so cute. I layed there on the side looking at him. His eyes were slowly opening as he was facing my way. He looked at me and smiled. His smile was so sweet. It's one of the things that I love about him. Seeing him smile can always make me smile too.
"Moning!" he said with a sweet voice of his.
I smiled and replied "hey".
It wasn't long till we heard the door knocking again, I knew who it was, don't know about him. He got up and rushed to the door. I knew who it was so I started pretending I was asleep. I didn't want to talk to him at all.
I heard them walking into the door and talking but I didn't listen to what they were saying. I wasn't really interested.
" How's claudia?" jordan asked Carl. He didn't know I was there as I was laying under the covers.
I looked up at him, giving him dirty look I quicly replied "Fine" after I just putted my head back down.
This was a little bit awakrd for me, it was only a day since me and him broke up and I was already staying at his mates house. Well he was my friend too and it's not like he actually cared about me, if he did, he wouldn't of break up with me because of a stupid reason like this.
Breaking up with someone because they wouldn't put out was kind of a silly and stupid reason. It made me think a lot, and it still messes with my head sometimes, not as much as Carl messes up with it thou...
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
8
I was really getting into it. Moving my hips around and touching him with my bum was kind of fun. I got too into it thou.
"What would you do if I kissed you?' he randomly asked me.
I didn't think a lot before answering his questions " I will slap you and push you away" I answered.
" Really?" he asekd, I nudged yes.
Even thou I was saying I didn't want to kiss him, I truly did. All I was thinking about was him, what would it be like to kiss him? Would it make me like him? Or will I just regret it. I didn't care, I wanted him to kiss me that's why I didn't stop making him horny, I carried on.
After a little while, he decided to move on the other side of the bed, he said that he is horny enough. I layed next to him and it wasn't for long untill I was on top of him. Moving my hips even more. I could feel bob and I was so horny at the time, yet I was still a virgin. I was glad and proud that I was and I didn't want to lose it, but when I was with him, I wanted it so badly.
While moving my hips, my head was on his shoulders. I was laying there on top of him, like it was something normal for me. I kept asking him what is he thinking and he kept saying how he wants to kiss but doesn't want to get a slap. When he was saying that I was hoping he will finally kiss me.
Then... It happened. His soft lips touched mine for the first time, without even thinking I kissed him back. His lips felt so good, my heart was beating like it never did before. The kiss didn't last for long. I wish it never ended thou.
My eyes were still closed when he said " You didn't slap or push me off."
I moved my arm am put my hand on his cheek, it was suppost to be a slap but I couldn't do that, not to him. Not when I wanted to kiss him more so badly, I was so afraid thou. I was afraid but wasn't at the same time. All I could do was smile, while I was smiling I got of him. I didn't want to make him horny, I wanted to just hug him. And for his lips to magicly touch mine again...
"What would you do if I kissed you?' he randomly asked me.
I didn't think a lot before answering his questions " I will slap you and push you away" I answered.
" Really?" he asekd, I nudged yes.
Even thou I was saying I didn't want to kiss him, I truly did. All I was thinking about was him, what would it be like to kiss him? Would it make me like him? Or will I just regret it. I didn't care, I wanted him to kiss me that's why I didn't stop making him horny, I carried on.
After a little while, he decided to move on the other side of the bed, he said that he is horny enough. I layed next to him and it wasn't for long untill I was on top of him. Moving my hips even more. I could feel bob and I was so horny at the time, yet I was still a virgin. I was glad and proud that I was and I didn't want to lose it, but when I was with him, I wanted it so badly.
While moving my hips, my head was on his shoulders. I was laying there on top of him, like it was something normal for me. I kept asking him what is he thinking and he kept saying how he wants to kiss but doesn't want to get a slap. When he was saying that I was hoping he will finally kiss me.
Then... It happened. His soft lips touched mine for the first time, without even thinking I kissed him back. His lips felt so good, my heart was beating like it never did before. The kiss didn't last for long. I wish it never ended thou.
My eyes were still closed when he said " You didn't slap or push me off."
I moved my arm am put my hand on his cheek, it was suppost to be a slap but I couldn't do that, not to him. Not when I wanted to kiss him more so badly, I was so afraid thou. I was afraid but wasn't at the same time. All I could do was smile, while I was smiling I got of him. I didn't want to make him horny, I wanted to just hug him. And for his lips to magicly touch mine again...
7
Going back to the day when me and Jordan broke up. That night when I got home and did what I normally do, I run upstairs to my bedroom that unfortionally I have to share with Paulina. I went on facebook and started speaking to Carl on there. He was cheering me up as much as he could but what I needed was a hug, somone to hug me and tell me that it will be alright. He come up with the idea that I should go and see him. It was like 1 in the morning and my mum would never ever let me go out at this time so I had to sneak out. This was wrong but I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if to come back home or not. I decided to stay there over a night. I never stayed there but being there felt normal.
When I got there he gived me a hug and that already made me smile. I didn't have any tears in my eyes because I was with him. I didn't know he will be that special to me but yet he is. He is all I think about and he is all I want. I can't spend a day without talking to him. It's killing me inside that I can't be with him now.
I wasn't going to sleep with him in the same bed but I didn't want to be alone. We didn't do a lot apart from talking and watching tv. We were laying there, me on the wall side. That's where he normally sleeps but somehow I convinced him to let me sleep on that side. Before he actually let me I had to get to that side myself. I tried laying on him and somehow going between him and the wall but he was stronger then me. So i just layed there next to him. I turned my back to him and watched tv. I was so close to him that we didn't even take half of the bed. As I was trying to get comftable he suddently said " watch out, dont get any closer"
I didn't know what he ment at the begging so he gived me some hint that my bum was too close to his dick(bob; thats what we called him)
After he said that there was a lot going on in my mind. I didn't know if i should move or now. I decided to move my bum more towards bob. He wasn't really saying anything so I started moving my hips a little bit. That's when he started getting a little bit horny. To be honest so did I but I never told him that...
When I got there he gived me a hug and that already made me smile. I didn't have any tears in my eyes because I was with him. I didn't know he will be that special to me but yet he is. He is all I think about and he is all I want. I can't spend a day without talking to him. It's killing me inside that I can't be with him now.
I wasn't going to sleep with him in the same bed but I didn't want to be alone. We didn't do a lot apart from talking and watching tv. We were laying there, me on the wall side. That's where he normally sleeps but somehow I convinced him to let me sleep on that side. Before he actually let me I had to get to that side myself. I tried laying on him and somehow going between him and the wall but he was stronger then me. So i just layed there next to him. I turned my back to him and watched tv. I was so close to him that we didn't even take half of the bed. As I was trying to get comftable he suddently said " watch out, dont get any closer"
I didn't know what he ment at the begging so he gived me some hint that my bum was too close to his dick(bob; thats what we called him)
After he said that there was a lot going on in my mind. I didn't know if i should move or now. I decided to move my bum more towards bob. He wasn't really saying anything so I started moving my hips a little bit. That's when he started getting a little bit horny. To be honest so did I but I never told him that...
6
After I found and read the diary that belongs to my mum, I started looking for more. The informations found in side wen't enought. I wated to know more about her and what she was like in the day. I searched the whole room but I couldn't find anything. There was quite a lot of other interesting things that I have found.
My uncle... He also lives with us in England with his wife and two kids. I know he wasn't perfect when he was younger but was he really involved with police? Did he really make some crimes? I found some letters from court, there was so many of them, unfortionally I didn't get to read them, as soon as I found them I heard some noice. It was my mum and everyone else, they got home. I couldn't risk them seeing me looking through all that stuff. I never got the chance to read it again. What could it be? Whatever it was I have to find out. Next time when am in Poland and i have the chance to be on my own in the house, the first thing I will do is look for them letters again and read them. I don't know what to expect from them, they can't be anything bad right? Well he is still here with us, so he didn't go prison, or did he? For a while. There was a time when he left the house for a while. Does that mean he was in prison? Or was he actually working? So many questions that I can't be answered just yet.
Why can't I have a perfect family, with mum and dad that love eachother. With a quite big house somewhere far away, in a small town. I always dreamed that I will have a family like that. I thought I would be able to with Carl, but I was wrong. All those times that we have spend together talking about our future, about our babies that we will have and about our wedding. All of this seemed so real to me untill one day when all of it just went. That day when Carl told me we can't be together, I didn't know if to think that the things he said were lies or did he actually mean it? He said he ment it but if he really did, all of it would happened. Now we will never be back together and all the times with him will just be memories and we won't creat any future together, not as a couple...
My uncle... He also lives with us in England with his wife and two kids. I know he wasn't perfect when he was younger but was he really involved with police? Did he really make some crimes? I found some letters from court, there was so many of them, unfortionally I didn't get to read them, as soon as I found them I heard some noice. It was my mum and everyone else, they got home. I couldn't risk them seeing me looking through all that stuff. I never got the chance to read it again. What could it be? Whatever it was I have to find out. Next time when am in Poland and i have the chance to be on my own in the house, the first thing I will do is look for them letters again and read them. I don't know what to expect from them, they can't be anything bad right? Well he is still here with us, so he didn't go prison, or did he? For a while. There was a time when he left the house for a while. Does that mean he was in prison? Or was he actually working? So many questions that I can't be answered just yet.
Why can't I have a perfect family, with mum and dad that love eachother. With a quite big house somewhere far away, in a small town. I always dreamed that I will have a family like that. I thought I would be able to with Carl, but I was wrong. All those times that we have spend together talking about our future, about our babies that we will have and about our wedding. All of this seemed so real to me untill one day when all of it just went. That day when Carl told me we can't be together, I didn't know if to think that the things he said were lies or did he actually mean it? He said he ment it but if he really did, all of it would happened. Now we will never be back together and all the times with him will just be memories and we won't creat any future together, not as a couple...
Tuesday, 7 August 2012
5
I hate him! Hate him because he treated my mum like she was nothing, like she was just some kind of a trash! I found this old diary of my mums when she was pregnant with me. I know that reading it was wrong but I couldn't help it, I had to somehow find out what she was like when she was younger and why did things turn out like that. I had to know the truth who to actually blame for not having a father! I was right, it was all his fault!
Reading her diary felt wrong but right at the same time. I didn't find out a lot but at least I knew the truth. And the truth was that my dad didn't care about my mum at all. They got married a month before my mum give a birth to me. The only reason why they got married was because of me. I sometimes think that it's all my fault, that if I wasn't there at this time they would of waited with the marriage and things would be differant! I do blame myself sometimes. I blame myself because she was so unhappy and she was doing it because that's what everyone expected her to do. Thats what my nan wanted.
Everynight my father was either late home or didn't bother coming home at all. They were married but they didn't act like it at all. He didn't have to love her;she said. All she ever wanted was for him to respect her, but yet she never got that from him. Was that a lot to ask?
Would things actually be different if she never got pregnant with me? I don't know what to think anymore. There's so many things going in my head right now. If she didn't want me she would probably give me away. She had another baby too, not long after I was born she got pregnant with my sister Paulina.
I only know what was like between them in year 1997, that was when the diary was written, but what happened after? Maybe they were alright? What if he was ignoring her all the time? There's still so many questions that I don't know the answer too.
Reading her diary felt wrong but right at the same time. I didn't find out a lot but at least I knew the truth. And the truth was that my dad didn't care about my mum at all. They got married a month before my mum give a birth to me. The only reason why they got married was because of me. I sometimes think that it's all my fault, that if I wasn't there at this time they would of waited with the marriage and things would be differant! I do blame myself sometimes. I blame myself because she was so unhappy and she was doing it because that's what everyone expected her to do. Thats what my nan wanted.
Everynight my father was either late home or didn't bother coming home at all. They were married but they didn't act like it at all. He didn't have to love her;she said. All she ever wanted was for him to respect her, but yet she never got that from him. Was that a lot to ask?
Would things actually be different if she never got pregnant with me? I don't know what to think anymore. There's so many things going in my head right now. If she didn't want me she would probably give me away. She had another baby too, not long after I was born she got pregnant with my sister Paulina.
I only know what was like between them in year 1997, that was when the diary was written, but what happened after? Maybe they were alright? What if he was ignoring her all the time? There's still so many questions that I don't know the answer too.
4
Sometimes I sit there and think why aint I a perfect doughter? I will always blame my father for this. He left us when I wasn't even 2 yet. Straight after my sister Paulina was born. I haven't seen him for 6 years until one day when i decided to do something about it. I was only 8 so there wasn't a lot I could do about it. I wrote him a letter. A letter expaining everything, how I always wanted to see him and how even thou I didnt know who he really was I still missed him. It wasn't long until he replied, I can't remeber very well if he rang my mum or whever he send a letter back. All I could remember is that after not even 2 weeks he come. He come to visit me and Paulina one day. I was so happy! I couldn't expain the feeling of joy I had that day. When i sawr him I didn't know if he is really the person I was expecting. He didn't look like in pictures. He was a little bit fatter and didn't have as much hair. But he was still my father.
He spend with us quite a long time. I still have the pictures somewhere in the album of that day. Looking back at them I sometimes regret that I have wrote him that letter. Things were better off without him. When I was little and everytime when he was coming to see me and Paulina I used to think that Him and my mum will someday be back together, until one day...
Some random man with a very funny hair style randomly showed up at our house. I was outside playing and watching how my neighbours were playing vollyball. I had no idea who he was. I seen him for the first time in my life, I never thought he will be part of my family but he is now. His name is Janusz, him and my mum have been married for over 5 years now. Am happy for my mum but to be honest, me and him dont really get on together. I used to hate him when I was little because I used to blame him for my father not being here for me, but now as I grow up I realised that it was all of my fathers fault! He was the one that didn't bother coming to see me, he was the one that didn't care, he was the one to blame. I haven't seen him for about 4 years now and life is much better without him. I regret that I have ever even asked about him, I regret that I have ever wrote the letter to him, I regret that he is my father!
He spend with us quite a long time. I still have the pictures somewhere in the album of that day. Looking back at them I sometimes regret that I have wrote him that letter. Things were better off without him. When I was little and everytime when he was coming to see me and Paulina I used to think that Him and my mum will someday be back together, until one day...
Some random man with a very funny hair style randomly showed up at our house. I was outside playing and watching how my neighbours were playing vollyball. I had no idea who he was. I seen him for the first time in my life, I never thought he will be part of my family but he is now. His name is Janusz, him and my mum have been married for over 5 years now. Am happy for my mum but to be honest, me and him dont really get on together. I used to hate him when I was little because I used to blame him for my father not being here for me, but now as I grow up I realised that it was all of my fathers fault! He was the one that didn't bother coming to see me, he was the one that didn't care, he was the one to blame. I haven't seen him for about 4 years now and life is much better without him. I regret that I have ever even asked about him, I regret that I have ever wrote the letter to him, I regret that he is my father!
Monday, 6 August 2012
3
Everyone have already left Carl's flat but not me. I was still sitting there in tears. Then suddently Carl come in the room, looked at me with his blue, warm eyes. He didn't smile or say anything, he just walked up to me, sat next to me and hugged me! Hugging him felt so good. Being in his arms felt so safe, and all my tears just suddently disapeared. No matter what mood I was in being with him could always make me smile. Just by looking at him, a little smile didnt always apear on my face, but it was still there, inside me.
It was so quite and peacefull, when unawares he spoke..
" What happened?" he said.
He knew already what happened, but I told him everything from my poing of view. I told him that he hurt me but he wasn't what I wanted. He was just one of the boys that you will have a crush on, you will think you like him but it will never ever be anything serious. And it wasn't, being with him wasn't quite what i wanted. He was more like a friend to me, we would speak a lot but all I could ever be with him,was just friends.
It wasn't long untill i had to go home, I got myself up, wiped any tear that was still visible on my face. Tried to somehow smile and with Carl by my side I walked towards the door. He gived me a friendly goodbye hug, and in just a few seconds I was on my way home. I didn't live far, it was like 5 houses away. It only took me a min. to get home.
I walked into my house like nothing happened. I never speak to my mum when I get home. I would just take my shoes off, go in the kitchen see if theres any dinner or anything nice to eat, take it and go upstairs to my and my sisters room. My sister is 13, and we don't really get along either. Some days we will be talking about everything but the next day we will fight like hungry wolfs. At the end of the day she is still my sister and I love her to bits, if any boy hurts her I will hurt him.
I have another sister, her name is Emily and she is only 1. Her appearance have changed a lot. Ever since she is here me and my mum don't talk at all. She is always too busy with her. Sometimes i do feel left out but instead of showing this to my mum, I get angry at her and argue. She means everything to me, she'sthe only person that really cares about me. She is the women that give birth to me, she's the one that raised me. I wish I could be a better doughter to her sometimes.
It was so quite and peacefull, when unawares he spoke..
" What happened?" he said.
He knew already what happened, but I told him everything from my poing of view. I told him that he hurt me but he wasn't what I wanted. He was just one of the boys that you will have a crush on, you will think you like him but it will never ever be anything serious. And it wasn't, being with him wasn't quite what i wanted. He was more like a friend to me, we would speak a lot but all I could ever be with him,was just friends.
It wasn't long untill i had to go home, I got myself up, wiped any tear that was still visible on my face. Tried to somehow smile and with Carl by my side I walked towards the door. He gived me a friendly goodbye hug, and in just a few seconds I was on my way home. I didn't live far, it was like 5 houses away. It only took me a min. to get home.
I walked into my house like nothing happened. I never speak to my mum when I get home. I would just take my shoes off, go in the kitchen see if theres any dinner or anything nice to eat, take it and go upstairs to my and my sisters room. My sister is 13, and we don't really get along either. Some days we will be talking about everything but the next day we will fight like hungry wolfs. At the end of the day she is still my sister and I love her to bits, if any boy hurts her I will hurt him.
I have another sister, her name is Emily and she is only 1. Her appearance have changed a lot. Ever since she is here me and my mum don't talk at all. She is always too busy with her. Sometimes i do feel left out but instead of showing this to my mum, I get angry at her and argue. She means everything to me, she'sthe only person that really cares about me. She is the women that give birth to me, she's the one that raised me. I wish I could be a better doughter to her sometimes.
2
I fell for him! When his solf lips touched mine for the first time,I felt like I was in heaven. I didn't want it to happend but yet it still did. I was a girl that have never done anything with a boy, not even truly kissed someone. Until I met this one guy, a guy that made me crazy! Crazy about him.
That night I was so upset. I was sitting in his flat, in the front room, all by myself. I sat there without moving, like a statuette. It was an hour of pain that i thought it was real but it was only one of stupid things. That day Jordan, my ex boyfriend broke up with me. Being with him felt so wrong but I thought it will work out. We were together a month and I didn't even kiss him like I wanted to. Was I afraid? Or wansn't I just ready?
Whatever it was, it's in the past. He was just one of them guys you meet, have a crush on and it's over after a week or two. Did I even like him a little bit? I was so confused about my feelings. The whole relationship with him I was lying. Everyday when we were laying there cuddling in nice warm bed of Carl's. I would be siting there and looking at Carl. His blue eyes, his smile, the way he winked at me from time to time. My leg or hand would softly be touching one of his body parts. It was so wrong but it felt right. Am 15, his 22! It was wrong, but I fell for it! At the time I was 14 and he was 21.
My life was never perfect, sometimes it seemed like it but it wasn't. I moved from Poland to England when I was 10. At that day when I first stepped into my new house, my new room. I knew it, I knew that everything here will change, and it did! Unbelivably everything was different here, all those new people that i have never seen in my life. I knew no one here. I had no one to rely on. Mine and my mums relationship was alright when I was a kid, but all we do now is argue! Well that's the part of growing up, not everything is the same when you were a kid. Things change, you change, you meet new people, the old once walk out of your life without any wornings. One little thing and your life can change so much.
That night I was so upset. I was sitting in his flat, in the front room, all by myself. I sat there without moving, like a statuette. It was an hour of pain that i thought it was real but it was only one of stupid things. That day Jordan, my ex boyfriend broke up with me. Being with him felt so wrong but I thought it will work out. We were together a month and I didn't even kiss him like I wanted to. Was I afraid? Or wansn't I just ready?
Whatever it was, it's in the past. He was just one of them guys you meet, have a crush on and it's over after a week or two. Did I even like him a little bit? I was so confused about my feelings. The whole relationship with him I was lying. Everyday when we were laying there cuddling in nice warm bed of Carl's. I would be siting there and looking at Carl. His blue eyes, his smile, the way he winked at me from time to time. My leg or hand would softly be touching one of his body parts. It was so wrong but it felt right. Am 15, his 22! It was wrong, but I fell for it! At the time I was 14 and he was 21.
My life was never perfect, sometimes it seemed like it but it wasn't. I moved from Poland to England when I was 10. At that day when I first stepped into my new house, my new room. I knew it, I knew that everything here will change, and it did! Unbelivably everything was different here, all those new people that i have never seen in my life. I knew no one here. I had no one to rely on. Mine and my mums relationship was alright when I was a kid, but all we do now is argue! Well that's the part of growing up, not everything is the same when you were a kid. Things change, you change, you meet new people, the old once walk out of your life without any wornings. One little thing and your life can change so much.
1
The real world around us.
Some people think that life is easy, but it is not. In life you will make a lot of mistakes that you will regret one after another one. After each mistake you will learn and this will make you stronger...My name is Claudia and am from Poland, I lived in England for about 5 years. Am only 15 but there was alot that happened latly in my life and I want to share this to show all the teenagers that life will not be easy and you wont find a true love like fom the movies. Thats what every teenager and not only, dream about. To one day find someone that will love them for who you are. With that person you can be youself. He will know everything about you. How you look in the morning, and you wont have to wear your make up all the time just for him, he will think you pretty in every single way, when you ill, when you not wearing make up. All the time! Once he falls in love with you he will find all those little things about you cute. But sometimes love isn't enought...
We all wish that all that's really needed in a relationship is love. But to make the relationship last you need to really care about eachother, you need to trust eachother and also give eachother some space... That was one of my mistakes. Now I can't even do anything about it, the person am truly in love with will never be mine again...
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